{Can-not-get-over-her-gorgeous-ness!}I forgot to mention, I'm starting something.
Now, see, unlike the last post which was also posted on my deviantART page, this one will be read by no one but those who happen across this thing. Mostly because it will probably seem like a stupid thing, or something "dangerous" in some way.
I'm going through some fashion magazines I have.
I'm going to be cutting out images of...perfection.
I'm going to put them in one of the numerous empty notebooks/journals I own.
Beside them, I will be chicken-scratching why I think they are perfection.
I know.
I shouldn't compare myself to them. They're, almost, not real. But still.
When a young woman, that's almost 21 years old, who has never been kissed, never been asked out, never had her hand held, never had any real interaction with men, who is about 120 pounds too heavy, who is so shy she feel physically sick before she heads to class, who fears rejection and failure so much she's convinced herself that she can do nothing right, who already thinks so damned lowly of herself is bombarded with these images of feminine perfection, she almost has no choice but to compare herself to the images and wonder that, maybe, if only she looked like this surreal perfection, then maybe she'd be a tad happier.
Like Keira Knightley. She's in the magazine. And, no, I'm not going to say that her thin-ness is detrimental to my health, it's just who she is. Yes, she's thin, but that's not her entire self. She's gorgeous in so many ways, so many ways that I cannot compare to.
So she'll be in my journal.
Not in a "She's so pretty and thin! It's not fair!!" kind of way. More like a "I simply wish I could be lucky enough to share in, at least, one of her attributes. She's such a gorgeous woman." kind of way. (And for those who think she's "gone the way of the skinny models/actresses," no, please don't. Because she hasn't. That's just how her body is. I'm a sociology student, I've studied society in reaction to/creation of this whole "skinny model/actress," and what's being said about her is unfair.)
And I still can't get over how insanely gorgeous she is. :)
Like I said, many will find this stupid or dangerous. My mother would find it foolish and silly. But I think I need this.
I tell people that I'm okay with my body, but my only recently obtained higher sense of self-worth is, for reasons unknown, sinking at a rapid pace and I just...I need to explore why this is.
I'm sure, no, positive, that this is not the way to go about it, but when my family doesn't really see my side of things and thinks all I need to do is walk some more, that my emotions are foolish and my reactions to things are silly, and when there's nothing else to do in my minuscule town to help figure this all out, well, then I turn to semi-dangerous to my own health methods (I suppose).
Thank god I'm a teetotaler, else-wise I'd be stoned to high heavens and drunken to infinity.
Lovely.
Once again, thank whatever god(s) is/are out there that any and all real dangerous ways to feel sorry myself make me cringe/scared silly.
Haha.
Anyways, yes, this is what I'm going to be doing. I'm pretty damn positive that it won't help my self esteem, but maybe if, when I've filled a book (for example) I can re-read what I've written and come to some sort of conclusion.
Or take it to a psychiatrist back in the city when I head back to school.
I'm sure I could find some help there. I go to a women's college that's connected to the main university, so Body Image Counseling is pretty widely advertised in the halls of my college. I hope.
I'll just plug through it.
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