Exams and...well, realizations.

It's exam time.
I had one on the 7th (Advertising in Society), which was brutal.
I got my Advertising Diary back, though, and was pleased to find a 90% on it.
Apparently my prof liked my "self-reflective and almost ironic style of this diary," which is really quite funny since I wrote all of the entries like journal entires {I even started each of them with "Dear Diary..."} and then proceeded to go on 2-page long rants about how advertising is scarring children for life and making the world even more sexist. Silly me.

Anyway, that's the end of that class.
It was only half-year/credit, so no more Monday night classes.
Now I have the second part (Problems in Mass Society) Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, but that's okay.

So, I have an exam this coming Tuesday (the 11th) for Social Inequality. I don't think it'll be too bad, since we had a test in it just a few weeks ago and, even though I only got (I think) 67%, I now know what to expect from her so I know what to study.
Then, finally, I have my European History exam on the 14th (Friday).
That one's going to be hellish.
I'm meeting up with my friend in that class on Wednesday to go over things. It seems to be one of those exam where you just have to know your shit and be able to regurgitate it at will. Soooo...I'll probably fail. Oh well. ^^;

I'm pretty stressed again.
I'd been piling myself with work to distract myself, but now that classes are over and all I do is sit in my messy room and study or slack off on Facebook or DeviantART, things creep back.
I'm proud to say that the cuts are fading on my stomach, but not proud to say that tonight I almost slipped.
I ate a bag of popcorn, which is all healthy, right? But I put butter on it. I know I shouldn't, and whenever I do, I eat like two handfulls and already regret it. Then I have to force myself to eat the rest. Tonight I felt like throwing up. I was watching...erm...something, I can't remember because I wasn't paying too much attention. I just kept thinking "Well, if it's as easy as they say on television, and all you have to do is stick a toothbrush down your throat..." then it was "I'll just try it once. If I can manage it once, then maybe it'll scare me off it."
So, after some 20 or so minutes of inner debate, I stood up and marched to the bathroom, grabbed my toothbrush, looked at myself in the mirror then crouched by the toilette.
Then I chickened out.
I stood up, looked at myself in the mirror again and gingerly put the toothbrush in my mouth. I gagged a bit, but see, I've been throwing up since grade 2 because of my migraines, so I perfected making myself not throw up years ago. So nothing happened.
I was, and still am, so pissed with myself!

One of the methods in my books of 101 other things to do instead of committing suicide is make art. Now, I'm not an artist. I really really wish I was, and have been trying to cultivate an artistic talent for years now, but to no avail. But I own a massive drawing book that I doodle crap in.
So I pulled it out, and the scrapbooking paper I sort-of-maybe-took-without-asking from my older sister's room before I moved back here, and her hog pog (or whatever it's called), a crappy-dollar-store paintbrush and a pencil and went back downstairs.
Now, I've been watching suziblutube on YouTube.
She's an amazing girl with amazing talent. She's just so...infectiously encouraging and enlightening.
She's trying to get people to make journals. Art journals.
Like I said, I'm no artist.
But, see? Suziblu emphasizes the simplicity in life, and that no one else has to like your art, only you. It could be "lollipop heads on bodies, like mine is lollipop heads on bodies", it doesn't matter!
So I drew something. Something simple. Then I glued paper bits on it, and I'm going to go out tomorrow and buy some paint and make my picture mine! Because it doesn't matter, only I matter!
And it makes me feel better. Because no one, nothing else matters but me.

I think it's going to be awesome.
Awesome and mine.
And her name will be Suzi, because Suziblu says "be inspired."
I think, because no one else will help me, I'll have to help myself, and if that means near self-induced vomiting to learn a lesson, to learn to matter only to me, then so be it. I need to heal, for my own sake.