I'm not going to class today. And I'm not emailing profs about it. Simply put, I have no real reason or excuse.
I'm going to work on my essay due Friday. I'm going to sit around and do nothing. I'm going to pull out my "art" doodads and doodle. How can I do this?
Because my grandmother is out of town for the day.
So I can relax.
It's not like I can tell my profs "Well, she called me fat, see, so I've been sinking lower and lower into this sort of depression that I can never seem to get myself out of. So, really, the readings? Nope, didn't happen. I have way too much shit on my plate to read."
Nope. Can't.
I'm not even going to bother looking at clocks today. If I do, I'll end up doing the whole "Oh, I should be in class right now." thing, which just makes me add guilt onto my list of emotional stresses.
So I'm going to go downstairs now, and watch some television. Humph.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
My grandmother just tried, yet again, to get me to eat more food at supper. I told her I had had plenty and that, really, she feeds me too much, something I’ve said before, multiple times over the past 4 years. Something my mother has told her multiple times over the past 4 years. Something she couldn’t give two flying fucks about.
She also then pulled her old argument out of her ass: the one where she thinks I just don’t eat, at all, in London because I “think you have to diet.” Which is not true. She eats on the German-Schedule. I.e. eating at precisely 8or9am, noon, and then at 5:30. Without fail. Whether she’s hungry or not. (She told me that last bit herself). I eat on the Sort-of-Makes-More-Sense Schedule. I.e. eating around breakfast time, around lunch time, and around dinner time, and then only if I’m hungry. She can’t fathom it. Hence why she gets bitchy with me when I come home from class on Wednesdays around dinner time, and I have a migraine, so I tell her I can’t eat and am, instead, going straight to bed. She takes it as an insult that I’m not shoving her food down my throat. Food which, I must say after 4 years of the same shit, has become some of the most retched stuff I have ever eaten.
So she was angry with me because, in her eyes, I hadn’t eaten enough.
She then told me that I ate more at home “over the holidays.” Again, not true. I basically ate the same, but less of it, because my fam-jam back at home employs a little something called “portion sizes.”
I told her that what she said was not true.
She then used her German-tact (WARNING! “German-tact” is non-existent when it comes to old-school old-women Germans. NOW YOU KNOW!) and told me that I -must- have eaten more because, well, silly me, I gained weight. “Oh ya, oh ya, you gained lots of weight.”
Brill.
And then people wonder why I hate my body.
Why I only take pictures of my face.
Why I hate to shop for clothes.
Why I don’t talk to boys.
Why I binge on shitty bad-for-me food at 11:30pm and then feel sick.
Why I hide food in my room like a squirrel.
Why I hate. Hate. HATE myself on a daily basis.
Why, when mom confronted me about me “eating problems” last year, and said my mascara was running and I yelled “It doesn’t matter!!” because my body’s not good enough, so why should I even bother trying with my face.
Why I think I’m depressed.
Why I’m fat.
So I picked up my salad, something I told her I was actually too full to eat, but since it was staring me in the face, I had to eat it, and took it upstairs to eat. I haven’t touched it.
I feel like shit now. I feel nauseous; I can feel a headache starting in my right temple; my stomach is doing flip flops; my mascara is running, again; and I still have to finish this essay for tomorrow (Tuesday), do readings and talk about them on Wednesday, finish another essay for Friday, start and finish an assignment for Monday, study for a midterm that’s on Monday in the same class the assignment is due, then I have my first of three presentations in that have-to-talk-to-get-a-mark class in two weeks, and no one can/will help me. It’s October. I’m overwhelmed. Already. I’m drowning.
I just…I wish, so so so much, I wish I was thin.
I can’t stop crying now, and I know I shouldn’t be crying in the first place. I’m such a baby!
She also then pulled her old argument out of her ass: the one where she thinks I just don’t eat, at all, in London because I “think you have to diet.” Which is not true. She eats on the German-Schedule. I.e. eating at precisely 8or9am, noon, and then at 5:30. Without fail. Whether she’s hungry or not. (She told me that last bit herself). I eat on the Sort-of-Makes-More-Sense Schedule. I.e. eating around breakfast time, around lunch time, and around dinner time, and then only if I’m hungry. She can’t fathom it. Hence why she gets bitchy with me when I come home from class on Wednesdays around dinner time, and I have a migraine, so I tell her I can’t eat and am, instead, going straight to bed. She takes it as an insult that I’m not shoving her food down my throat. Food which, I must say after 4 years of the same shit, has become some of the most retched stuff I have ever eaten.
So she was angry with me because, in her eyes, I hadn’t eaten enough.
She then told me that I ate more at home “over the holidays.” Again, not true. I basically ate the same, but less of it, because my fam-jam back at home employs a little something called “portion sizes.”
I told her that what she said was not true.
She then used her German-tact (WARNING! “German-tact” is non-existent when it comes to old-school old-women Germans. NOW YOU KNOW!) and told me that I -must- have eaten more because, well, silly me, I gained weight. “Oh ya, oh ya, you gained lots of weight.”
Brill.
And then people wonder why I hate my body.
Why I only take pictures of my face.
Why I hate to shop for clothes.
Why I don’t talk to boys.
Why I binge on shitty bad-for-me food at 11:30pm and then feel sick.
Why I hide food in my room like a squirrel.
Why I hate. Hate. HATE myself on a daily basis.
Why, when mom confronted me about me “eating problems” last year, and said my mascara was running and I yelled “It doesn’t matter!!” because my body’s not good enough, so why should I even bother trying with my face.
Why I think I’m depressed.
Why I’m fat.
So I picked up my salad, something I told her I was actually too full to eat, but since it was staring me in the face, I had to eat it, and took it upstairs to eat. I haven’t touched it.
I feel like shit now. I feel nauseous; I can feel a headache starting in my right temple; my stomach is doing flip flops; my mascara is running, again; and I still have to finish this essay for tomorrow (Tuesday), do readings and talk about them on Wednesday, finish another essay for Friday, start and finish an assignment for Monday, study for a midterm that’s on Monday in the same class the assignment is due, then I have my first of three presentations in that have-to-talk-to-get-a-mark class in two weeks, and no one can/will help me. It’s October. I’m overwhelmed. Already. I’m drowning.
I just…I wish, so so so much, I wish I was thin.
I can’t stop crying now, and I know I shouldn’t be crying in the first place. I’m such a baby!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Easily Distracted
Howdy,
Guess what I'm up to?
Well, silly, I'm writing my first term German History essay. The question posed is "To what extent was the period between 1848 and 1914 a period of emancipation for German Women? Consider the positions of women in different economic and social classes, and the ways in which their positions changed or did not change in this period." Our prof gave us two photocopied articles to write from. And there's two short articles in the course package on women that we can use. It has to be at least 6-8 pages long, which really isn't long at all, but I seem to be floundering already.
The paper is due on Tuesday (I had previously thought it was due on Thursday) and I have been slowly working on it since last Thursday, but I can't seem to concentrate. By "slowly working" I mean SLOOOOOOWLY. Really, every single little thing is distracting me. I don't think I've read enough of any of the articles and, really, everything I have read seems to be about women in the 1780's, nowhere near my needed time frame. So I'm left wondering, rather distractedly, why he didn't just not copy the first sections. Or maybe he left them there in order to build a background.
The three main problems I'm facing are:
1) A lot of information I know about women emancipation in Europe comes from my Women in History class last year. So I find myself typing reams of stuff I have no sources for. Then I end up getting frustrated and I delete it.
2) I find myself typing things from sources, thinking the sentence, paragraph, direction of my writing is brilliant, only to realize too late that I'm typing about stuff in the 1780's.
3) I'm so freakin' easily distracted!! Case and point: I'm on here, updating my blog for god's sake. Sheesh!
Guess what I'm up to?
Well, silly, I'm writing my first term German History essay. The question posed is "To what extent was the period between 1848 and 1914 a period of emancipation for German Women? Consider the positions of women in different economic and social classes, and the ways in which their positions changed or did not change in this period." Our prof gave us two photocopied articles to write from. And there's two short articles in the course package on women that we can use. It has to be at least 6-8 pages long, which really isn't long at all, but I seem to be floundering already.
The paper is due on Tuesday (I had previously thought it was due on Thursday) and I have been slowly working on it since last Thursday, but I can't seem to concentrate. By "slowly working" I mean SLOOOOOOWLY. Really, every single little thing is distracting me. I don't think I've read enough of any of the articles and, really, everything I have read seems to be about women in the 1780's, nowhere near my needed time frame. So I'm left wondering, rather distractedly, why he didn't just not copy the first sections. Or maybe he left them there in order to build a background.
The three main problems I'm facing are:
1) A lot of information I know about women emancipation in Europe comes from my Women in History class last year. So I find myself typing reams of stuff I have no sources for. Then I end up getting frustrated and I delete it.
2) I find myself typing things from sources, thinking the sentence, paragraph, direction of my writing is brilliant, only to realize too late that I'm typing about stuff in the 1780's.
3) I'm so freakin' easily distracted!! Case and point: I'm on here, updating my blog for god's sake. Sheesh!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
What the shit is this fuck?
Wait wait wait wait.
Canada, when did you decide to go kamikaze on yourself?
When the fuck did this happen?
Like, really?
Again?
Have we not been through how fucking unbelievably horrid this man is? Have I not expressed how much he looks like a child molester (it's the beady eyes)? Have we not all wondered at how a party named the "Progressive Conservatives" have lived this long despite their contradiction of a name?
Have they not fucked up this country enough? It's like if America was all "OMG GUYS! I don't like Obama OR McCain" and votes in Bush again as a write-in ballot type thing.
Don't you remember when the PCs mocked Dion by racking their brains for the best way to show the nation both his inadequacy in policy and what they thought was their immense brain power/maturity and came up with a website wherein a pelican pooped on Dion's shoulder?
Or maybe when the PCs were found guilty of plagiarism?
Or when a Conservative member made fun of those who died because of listeriosis?
Or when that other Conservative member told native protesters (in front of cameras) that as long as they were sober etc., then they weren't a threat (or something to that regard)?
Or how about when Harper took his wallet and shoved it up his gigantic ass and told the rest of the world to screw-off in regards to Kyoto? Because it was all a "scam" to take "our" (really he meant "his") money away? That it was a "socialist scheme"?
Or how about when Harper told Canada that "ordinary folks" didn't really care all that much for the Arts and cut funding?
Like, fucking seriously? You guys want more of that shit? We're at war because of him. No disrespect to those overseas, I'm not saying I don't support them, but I'm sure even the most patriotic of soldiers would rather they not have to be killing people right now. Nobody wants a war. But we're at war because of him. Canada has always been a peace keeping nation, but we were told to throw that out the proverbial window and go to real live WAR because of him.
We are a laughing stock, Canada, because of him. And yet you rush to the polls and demand more of the same bullshit.
Bravo.
I'm going to bed now. Maybe when I wake up, this will turn out to be all just a bad, bad, very bad dream.
Canada, when did you decide to go kamikaze on yourself?
When the fuck did this happen?
Like, really?
Again?
Have we not been through how fucking unbelievably horrid this man is? Have I not expressed how much he looks like a child molester (it's the beady eyes)? Have we not all wondered at how a party named the "Progressive Conservatives" have lived this long despite their contradiction of a name?
Have they not fucked up this country enough? It's like if America was all "OMG GUYS! I don't like Obama OR McCain" and votes in Bush again as a write-in ballot type thing.
Don't you remember when the PCs mocked Dion by racking their brains for the best way to show the nation both his inadequacy in policy and what they thought was their immense brain power/maturity and came up with a website wherein a pelican pooped on Dion's shoulder?
Or maybe when the PCs were found guilty of plagiarism?
Or when a Conservative member made fun of those who died because of listeriosis?
Or when that other Conservative member told native protesters (in front of cameras) that as long as they were sober etc., then they weren't a threat (or something to that regard)?
Or how about when Harper took his wallet and shoved it up his gigantic ass and told the rest of the world to screw-off in regards to Kyoto? Because it was all a "scam" to take "our" (really he meant "his") money away? That it was a "socialist scheme"?
Or how about when Harper told Canada that "ordinary folks" didn't really care all that much for the Arts and cut funding?
Like, fucking seriously? You guys want more of that shit? We're at war because of him. No disrespect to those overseas, I'm not saying I don't support them, but I'm sure even the most patriotic of soldiers would rather they not have to be killing people right now. Nobody wants a war. But we're at war because of him. Canada has always been a peace keeping nation, but we were told to throw that out the proverbial window and go to real live WAR because of him.
We are a laughing stock, Canada, because of him. And yet you rush to the polls and demand more of the same bullshit.
Bravo.
I'm going to bed now. Maybe when I wake up, this will turn out to be all just a bad, bad, very bad dream.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
News!
News!
I finally heard from the academic adviser! D:
And TADA! The Dean has granted me Special Permission (her caps, not mine) to count History 205E (Environmental History) as my category C (science) course!
Sweet Jeebus be praised on a giant Buddha pagoda covered in silks, linens, and baby sacrifices!
YES! ;D
WIN! D:<
In other news: for some reason I'm feeling absolutely terrified of class this week. I don't know why. I have no idea. I'm slowly tackling the readings for tomorrow's speak-in-class class, I'm trying not to freak out, I'm trying my hardest to be absolutely ecstatic about not having class on Thursday, my dad coming down on said Thursday, then going back home for Thanksgiving on Friday. I'm trying, but my weird fear is stopping me. It doesn't help that, yes dear blog, it's "that time of the month". I'm sure no one wants to hear this/cares, but it is what it is. And I'm sort of in pain right now. I bought chocolate after class, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
Either way, I'm still terrified of class tonight and tomorrow.
And I feel like I can't tell anyone about it.
I told my friend Kate this morning that I was "really apprehensive about class in general this week," but I can't explain why, so no one can help me or calm me down.
Either way, I have to shove that fear aside with a firm hand at the moment. It's time to get to reading for tomorrow.
PS. In Korean history yesterday we briefly dicussed Feng Shui and, by golly, I want to feng shui my bedroom! Unfortunately that would mean ripping out the burnt orange carpet and drapes and changing the very sharp-edged, German desk, nightstand, and dresser...and it would mean moving my bed around so my feet weren't in line with the door but still keep it so that I'm not sleeping under the window and am sleeping in a place where I can see the door while I sleep...oh, and the walls are slanted, so there's that negative energy to contend with...so clearly, this isn't going to happen. Brilliant.
Well, back to reading.
I finally heard from the academic adviser! D:
And TADA! The Dean has granted me Special Permission (her caps, not mine) to count History 205E (Environmental History) as my category C (science) course!
Sweet Jeebus be praised on a giant Buddha pagoda covered in silks, linens, and baby sacrifices!
YES! ;D
WIN! D:<
In other news: for some reason I'm feeling absolutely terrified of class this week. I don't know why. I have no idea. I'm slowly tackling the readings for tomorrow's speak-in-class class, I'm trying not to freak out, I'm trying my hardest to be absolutely ecstatic about not having class on Thursday, my dad coming down on said Thursday, then going back home for Thanksgiving on Friday. I'm trying, but my weird fear is stopping me. It doesn't help that, yes dear blog, it's "that time of the month". I'm sure no one wants to hear this/cares, but it is what it is. And I'm sort of in pain right now. I bought chocolate after class, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
Either way, I'm still terrified of class tonight and tomorrow.
And I feel like I can't tell anyone about it.
I told my friend Kate this morning that I was "really apprehensive about class in general this week," but I can't explain why, so no one can help me or calm me down.
Either way, I have to shove that fear aside with a firm hand at the moment. It's time to get to reading for tomorrow.
PS. In Korean history yesterday we briefly dicussed Feng Shui and, by golly, I want to feng shui my bedroom! Unfortunately that would mean ripping out the burnt orange carpet and drapes and changing the very sharp-edged, German desk, nightstand, and dresser...and it would mean moving my bed around so my feet weren't in line with the door but still keep it so that I'm not sleeping under the window and am sleeping in a place where I can see the door while I sleep...oh, and the walls are slanted, so there's that negative energy to contend with...so clearly, this isn't going to happen. Brilliant.
Well, back to reading.
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