Dancing in my Room

35%?
Thirty-five percent.
That is THE lowest mark I have EVER received in my entire educational career. It is BELOW failure. BELOW failure!

I can barely remember taking the exam, so when we got them back this morning, I didn't think anything of it. I just put it in my bag, as per usual, and resigned to wait until I got back to the house to look at it, as per usual. I thought that the worst I could get would be in the low 60s, again, as per usual. But 35%? Really? How much of a complete failure am I? Mom always tells me to "just do your best, it's all we ask." I was thinking over the holiday break that, if only they had some higher expectations of me, then maybe my marks would be better, then maybe I would be up at 2am every night studying. But instead they settle for my "best" which, clearly, is complete shit!
My prof wants me to make an appointment to see him. What I am supposed to say to him? "Well, see, no one really cares about my marks (since they already have my older sister, the glory child), and it's a known fact to my parents, that my brain freezes and empties just as the exam sheet is put under my nose, so I have no explanation for the mark. I did the work, I studied, I had three other things due that week and another four due the week after. I guess I just choked?"
That's my only answer to that pitiful mark.
I'm so depressed now.

This week was shaping up to be not that bad. I was taking it easy, trying to slowly get used to the whole "school" thing again, after nearly a month off. Getting myself excited for when the old bird downstairs goes to Cuba, when I'll have some time to myself. I was happy. I'm now crushed.

I'm so ashamed of myself! So angry!
I got a 50% on my Stats test in second year. I laughed hysterically at it. Jessie told me it was some kind of defense mechanism in my brain. I was hurt, but I just couldn't stop laughing. But now? In math, I can see me failing tests. I'm not a numbers girl. But this? What a waste of 4 years at school! This just basically ruined my entire last year. 35-fucking-percent?!

I'm not going to class tonight. I'm going to tell the old bird that it's because his flight was delayed or something (he's always going out of the country to study and such). In truth, it's because I can't STAND to act the sham of a student that I seem to be. It's not like I'll be missing much. The topic is "Where did it all begin? Columbus and the idea of European civilization. Slavery, colonialism and the making of minorities" which is something I talk about in all of my classes, so I should be okay.

But I'm just so angry and disappointed in myself! I'm sinking again, I feel so out of touch with everything and yet so acutely aware of this failure.
I just...I don't see the point of existing anymore.