Dancing in my Room

I can't fucking DO this!
All of this reading.
I'm only on the second article in the first book.
Fuck it!
I'm such a shitty typer...WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS?! I can't POSSIBLY get it all done. But I can't back out now either. FUCK!!!y5h3w-9jp 0i 7ijogs akjwvhdn rtrsh navkjdb jtkawh rkvten

I keep ripping at my hair and scratching my arms and RASEL WY^4.n'ak 3oi;9lnh76shn
Smashing my keyboard i'm just so frustrated im so fucking patheitc!

Everything's just been piling up and up and up and up and I just want to go to bed and wake up in three years.
I can't handle the stress


Oh, and I forgot to mention the insanely helpful help from my little sister.
" well the only solution is to QUIT TALKING TO ME AND GET BACK TO WORK WOMAN! (I yelled that in a friendly way too, no hatred or meanyness there. and yes meanyness is a word... to me.)”

To which I responded: “But I aaaaam working. It's just sooo sloooow. Fuck! DX<>

And then she said nothing.

Ya, real helpful.

I mean, I listen and listen and listen when she’s going on and on and on about her fucking boy problems, but when I’m crashing, when some shit happens, she deals with it in such a passive aggressive manner…

Like this conversation, when my status on Facebook was something like “{My name} is just now realizing that what her father said was a direct jab at her”:

Sister: “Who's father said what?”

Me: When {Father’s name} was driving {Friend’s name} and I to the school (to see Elizabeth), they were talking about bad movies or something like that and he said "Well, what about Keira Knightly?! HAHAHAHA!"
And, really, it was so random...
And I'm pretty positive he hates me for "hurting" his little "princess" before...
And she has this mad hatred for Keira Knightly and I have this unexplainable love for the woman...
It just all seemed too convenient.
And I didn't really notice it right away, though, so I just sat there in the car, staring out the window at the rain and the silly people running through it and the conversation just stopped. I'm not trying to sound...erm...what's the word...egotistic? Like, I'm not saying that I know for a fact that they were waiting for me to say something, but that's definitely how it felt.
And then, as they were driving me home, {Friend’s name} said she'd lend me the "better" version of Pride and Prejudice (the one with Colin Firth) next time I saw her. I asked her "isn't that the one that's 6 hours long?" and she was all "Ya, but it's better."
'Caaaaause I'm not allowed to like the 2006 version.
It just all seemed too convenient. And I only figured it out today because I've been too busy to care.

I may just be paranoid, well, I -know- I'm paranoid, but still.

Sister: I think your overreacting. She didnt say that you werent allowed to like the other one, she knows you like the newest one and she probably thought, you know, you'd maybe like to see the other one? And Doug probably said what he said because he knows {Friend’s name} doesnt like her, not that you love her.

Well thats what I think.

Hes not really a mean person, and not EVERYTHING that he says is meant to be an insult towards you.

I mean, I know. I’m paranoid and shit, but still, when it’s November and I’m ranting about being paranoid, a smart person would look into it, since November is the month from hell when the stress piles on and I get slightly depressed and…slightly suicidal…sometimes.

It’s like thaaaaaanks, sister, for giving a flying fuck.

I want someone to come…I dunno…help me somehow.

And the pathetic thing is, is when my mom phones tonight, I’ll be all “OH, I’M JUST PLUM DANDY! ;D” and then I’ll go cry when I get off the phone. ‘Cause that’s what I do.

Fuck.